what to wear?

so it's been 2 months and glad to say i am still on this journey....it's not been easy, esp now that summer has come to an end and i feel like i have nothing to wear! :) of course i have a ton of boxes with fall/winter clothes waiting for me to open, but the bigger issue is that i want something NEW....i don't know about you, if you give much thought to what you put on in the morning. but usually as i start my day i am looking for something to wear and often i feel like i have nothing.... this isn't ever true of course, the real truth is that i want something new and i catch myself thinking why is that?

often i spend way more time preparing myself physically in the morning than i do spiritually. i grew up in a church that required you dress up - "your sunday best," i guess you can call it and i recall putting a lot of effort into what to wear and arranging and rearranging myself and often would end up sitting in church discontent, or envious that someone looks better than me, etc. i remember catching myself with these thoughts once and thinking "wow, how did i spend so much time preparing myself physically, and not one second did i think of my thoughts or where my heart was before is came here." i remember thinking god was probably not pleased or honored with me.

but it's such a habit to do this. here i am some years later and i still emphasize the physical over the spiritual. although i've come to care less about what i look like, i must admit i don't care MORE about what i look like spiritually.
"since god chose you to be holy, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

how do you clothe yourself with these? probably not by spending 20 minutes in your closet deciding which looks better. i suppose it starts with humility, because honestly it is pride that makes us want to look good. i think once you have humility it is not so hard to decide what to wear.

a six letter word

Ok, so today it happened. i knew it would sooner or later. i saw an amazing turqoise and ivory shell necklace at the latin festival. it was so beautiful and distinct....it was screaming at me- take me!! reason left me for a few minutes; i thought perhaps i'll buy it and say it's a gift for someone and let a year pass by and then decide to just keep it (devious how my mind works heh?). i guess you can say my achiles heel is unique pieces, especially if made by an artist (who i am usually willing to hunk up more change for)....so what did i end up doing?

i restrained myself - actually it was more like i ran for my life out of that booth. i knew if i'd have been there one second longer i'd have given in. it's pretty crazy as i think about it. desire...it's a small six letter word but it really is a monster. in a few moments i was seriously willing to throw out a whole month's worth of restraint (sad i only went one whole month, huh). but looking back on it now, a few hours later i can't help but think how crazy this emotion is. it overpowers you and makes you into a whole other person. reason and desire have no place being in the same sentence. my reason had totally left me, as it is any time desire comes in. one comes in and automatically throws the other out of the room.

why is it that we desire? where did this come from? i think a lot of you may say, well we desire because we're sinful people. true, but desire by itself isn't necessarily an evil thing. to desire world peace is not sinful. i think it's such a strong emotion because it comes from the heart. "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

i know when i've been in other countries (let's say poverty stricken countries anyways) and spoken to people, i coudn't help but notice how desire was almost nonexistant in their lives, granted not all of them were the same. but they were content with what they had, and what they had was sooo little. when i asked them if they wanted to come to the usa, the land of "plenty," they responded no. they didn't want to go to a place that had so much and become people that had to have all that muchness and forget about those that had very little. i couldn't help but think that is such wisdom. i think because we live in such an affluent country, we are surrounded with so much, and it is absolutely the best out there, that we are constantly bombarded with ads telling us we need this and so we become creatures of desire, but we desire things- more, bigger and better things.

i don't want to be a product of the media, of advertisements or even of the culture. i don't want to desire a necklace, however beautiful it may be. instead i want to desire love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, yes definately self-control.

modeling an image

trendy, hipster, sophisticate, chic, retro, punk. like it or not, you will be categorized into something. that's why we strive so hard to make ourselves "look" a certain way. we want to put forth an image. so we buy what we think will make us into something we are not, thinking that we will become "cooler, chicer, etc." i know one reason fashion enticed me so much was because you got to become something else, something that without that shirt or those pairs of boots you wouldn't be.

so i ask you, what image do you model? what are you stiving so hard to be?
"keep thyself unspotted from the world," i read the other day, from james. although i don't think it means you shouldn't not look like the world (physically speaking), i do believe when we strive to look like the world, you blemish yourself. if i try so hard to wear the latest fashions and am constantly looking to see what is the hottest new item, my thoughts and energy is devoted to something that isn't beneficial. when i look at jesus and the life he lead, there is nothing referring to his physical self. he was an ordinary man, nothing about his appearance stood out; the bible tells us he wasn't esteemed. jesus never tried to be something or look something he wasn't. his whole identity was characterized by his actions, his words. this was his whole being. he modeled an image of love; in fact not even an image- he was love. this is what i want to be labeled as, love. when others look at me i don't want them to see cool or trendy, but i want them to see love.

2 weeks

fourteen days down. somehow i've managed to not spontaneosly combust. my wallet has not yet barraged me with abusive language. i have been able to somewhow bypass countless stores trying to lure me in without any incidence. of course it may have been because i was so engrossed with my oven hot, mouthwatering chocolate croissant. it could have been that in this state of bliss, i would not have noticed a divine, lush forest green tweed coat even if it was threatening to have a showdown with me.

they say that when you give up one addiction you just replace it with another.....i have noticed that whenever i am in the vicinity of great stores i have been indulging my belly with let's say not the healthiest eats. hmmm.... perhaps subconsciously i'm trying to sabotage my feat and i will eat my way into having to buy a new wardrobe.

simplify

one year. july 30 2009 -july 30 2010. my 29th year will be one which i learn to be without. no more clothes, no more jewelry, no shoes, no purses.

a month ago i was at a conference and we were working on an assignment that involved listening. i mentioned this as a goal for the coming year to those i was working without and was met with a befuddled look. why would i do something crazy like that?

is this something so strange? going for one year without buying things to accessorize my body? i have a closetfull of stuff already (make that 3 if you count the closets at my parents filled with clothes i have no room for where i live). millions of people go for years, even lifetimes without every buying a single clothing item. yes i am fortunate enought to have the financial means to buy things. do i need 20 black shirts and 30 pairs of jeans in slightly different shades?

thus i begin my year-long journey of discovery. can i resist the urge to not buy the latest pair of patent leather pumps or the latest version of the little black dress? will the materialistic society i live in manage to keep its grip on me and convince me i really need this? or can i manage to put aside my vanity and learn self-control?

what will i learn in the process? gratefulness or envy, greed or generosity? will my life be any better off with less? maybe, maybe not. simpler, for sure.